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Go cristall teares

Today I sat with my cat in my lap and tried to cry. I almost managed it, but all sorts of thoughts about things I had to manage or consider kept willing up and my self-control kept reasserting itself. Whether I wanted it to or not.

I have to be strong. I have to keep him on a schedule with meds (which he hates), give him fresh food and water, administer fluids, keep an eye on him for distress, look for signs of vomiting, get to work on time. Repeat in the evening, except for the fluids. There's something very visceral and in-your-face about sticking pills down a cat's throat (and doing it again, and again, because your aim was off and he spat out the pill) and especially about prepping the bag of fluid and the needle and the nerve-wracking yet surreal experience of the wait, while the fluid drips and the cat gets restless and 100 ml of fluid makes its way down a tiny tube and actually into your cat.

And I look for some lingering sign of that joy in life for which he was always so notable: an inquiring mew and a tiny face looking up at you, already starting to purr; an arched back and a quivering tail, as you start to pet him, eyes closed in bliss; a sandpaper tongue, lavishly licking your hand if you bring it near him; an unexpected paw in your personal space, patting your face, claws not quite in, signaling "I'm here! I'm here!"

I can't be strong enough to do any of this well; I can't cry either.

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Comments

( 19 comments — Leave a comment )
jlrpuck
Sep. 23rd, 2008 02:30 am (UTC)
I had to administer fluids to my landlords cat, back when I rented in a house. I loved that cat like it was my own, and it was still exhausting, and tiring, and frustrating, and I often wondered if I was a bad person because I sometimes thought "I wish it was over."

*hugs*
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:51 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*

My cat has been very good about fluids for the last few days, but yesterday my PC went "Ding!" in another room and he shot off the table like he'd just been paged. I had to track him down and restart after he'd calmed down.
earlgreytea68
Sep. 23rd, 2008 02:33 am (UTC)
Oh, darling. Massive, massive hugs. This is heartbreaking for you.
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:52 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. Your comfort and sympathy mean a lot.
kalleah
Sep. 23rd, 2008 02:47 am (UTC)
Wish I could tell you something that would be comforting. ::hugs::
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:55 pm (UTC)
*hugs back*

I know you understand, and that's enough. Thanks.
platypus
Sep. 23rd, 2008 03:03 am (UTC)
:( Hugs to both of you.
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:56 pm (UTC)
Thank you *hugs back*
irishaithne
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:03 am (UTC)
*hugs*

Giving cats meds is rough. Especially when it's your baby. I know it may not seem like it, but he knows you're doing it out of love. Kitties are smart, even when they're not feeling well.

*puts a box of tissues within your reach, just in case*
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
Thank you. I've had a run of luck over the past few days and he's swallowed the pills -- or at least spat them out where I could find them and re-administer them later.

Thank you for the kind words, and the hugs. *hugs back*
irishaithne
Sep. 28th, 2008 04:38 am (UTC)
Just glad I could help, even if it's only some words on a computer screen. I know when my tortie was severly ill, it helped to have support from friends.

irishaithne
Sep. 23rd, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
Also meant to tell you this, as a wee distraction. A guy came into my store and special ordered a book. His name? John Tyler. Seriously. He didn't look like DT, but he was cute.
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:57 pm (UTC)
Ha, ha! Was he single?
irishaithne
Sep. 28th, 2008 04:40 am (UTC)
I didn't see a ring, but I wasn't the one actually helping him. Still, he could have a girlfriend. The cutes ones usually do.

I'll check on his order when I'm next at work. Perhaps he'll pick it up while I'm on duty and I can find out more...
whochick
Sep. 23rd, 2008 05:56 am (UTC)
Just a nursing-related tip because it might help: ask your vet if the pills can be crushed and made into a fluid/runny paste you can syringe down his throat. It'll be a whole lot easier and less traumatic for both of you, provided the tablets aren't enetric-coated or slow release and shouldn't be crushed.

Your vet should be able to tell you over the phone and provide you with needleless syringes.
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 10:58 pm (UTC)
What a great idea! I'll ask!

Thanks so much!
whochick
Sep. 26th, 2008 02:26 pm (UTC)
Welcome. Hope it's helpful.
catsfiction
Sep. 23rd, 2008 09:59 am (UTC)
Oh, that sounds heartbreaking, and very difficult. It would help if you could let go and cry, but not everybody can. This is what love is about, isn't it, when it all comes down to it?

Thinking of you, and I really hope he improves soon.
np_complete
Sep. 25th, 2008 11:04 pm (UTC)
This is what love is about, isn't it, when it all comes down to it?

Yes; and love doesn't mean one doesn't have mixed feelings, or fatigue, or even resentment. Nor do these things mean one doesn't love. A wise woman I talked to helped me see that yesterday.

Thinking of you, and I really hope he improves soon.

Thank you so much!
( 19 comments — Leave a comment )